Some of my Bullet Journal

With January done, I thought I would share a few of the spreads that kept me going through the month. I am using my journal not only to keep track of everything we have going on, but to help me take a closer look at myself day to day. This means including a mood tracker so that I am forced to sit and really think about how the day went, spaces on my habit tracker to keep up with anxiety and headaches, and a Notes section on each daily to write a little like I would have in my old journals. I am loving it! This new system has really helped me focus on myself and my mental health a little each day. And with my writing coupled in, I choose to lay down the problems rather than dragging them into tomorrow. I won't say this system is perfect, I still have issues I need to handle in my life in order to get rid of one of my biggest contributors of anxiety, but I do think it is helping me on a smaller scale.

So, my dailies:

I never fill up all the space in the "To Do" or "Goals" boxes, although on a few busy days I have come close. Mainly the boxes are so big because I have this OCD-driven urge to use an entire page for a daily spread and I didn't have too much to fill space. Having a large box for the "To Do" box also allows for a little sigh of relief when the box is mostly empty on a hard day.

Something important about this set up for me: I don't let myself feel discouraged if any of the black boxes are left empty. I try to do better the next day, but I know that while the black is set in stone, there will always be that bar on every daily forever, it is there to encourage better habits, not demand them. It's the end of January and neither the "miles" or "workout" boxes have been filled a single time thanks to the weather. And that it ok.

My notes section also doesn't always get filled. Sometimes it's just a comment on how many new Pokemon I got. It's a mind dump space for me to just let it out. And I love having it.

The gratitude log:
This is something I have tried many times over the past few years, keeping up with things that I am thankful for in my day to day. Sometimes it worked out pretty well, when I was having good days. But I changed it a little this year. I am allowed to be grateful for the same thing 3 days in a row, especially if it is the only thing keeping me going on bad days. I am allowed to not fill it in if the day has been rough and I can't think of anything, or if I forgot to fill it out and looking back that day was blurry and who knows what I was thankful for. I am giving myself leeway. And I think it turned out really well this month! I am looking forward to continuing it in future months, despite having a drawn out battle with March's design thanks to the theme and my need to keep these things looking pretty consistent. We will see how it turns out.

One thing about my version of this, I tend to offer up an explanation for why I am so grateful for a particular thing. And sometimes that works really well. Like when my husband does something incredible

and I want to talk about it for hours, and then the next day I have forgotten why I married him because he left his socks in the middle of kitchen table. I love being able to look back on why I was grateful for something. However, this year I am letting myself get away with not elaborating. Day 1 simply says Jareth. Do I really need to go into detail on why I am so lucky to have my son the day of his birthday when we have so much to do? No. I can simply be happy I have him.

My last main spread to help with my mental health this year, is my yearly mood tracker. This one is at the start of the whole journal. I also have one next to my monthly habit tracker that I fill into little designs to fit my monthly theme, I think I will post that in March because that is the one I am most happy with. Right now I want to share my yearly with you.
This is the sit down in the evening and really think about how today felt tracker. This one forces me to stop and think about my overall mood because there isn't space to really detail out the ups and downs of some of my days (I do that in the monthly one) but instead I have to think a little closer on how I generally felt. Some days I do mix colors, there are great days striped with some anxiety, and I do that on the days when the anxiety or anger or exhaustion was so overwhelmingly noticeable, it had to be noted on the long run. I am so grateful for this spread! At the end of January I took a look at it and noticed way more pink days than I thought I would have had. Days where things were great and I was really happy with how things are going. I am looking forward to those days in the future and seeing how it all changes with a new house, family experiences, weather changes, all that. I think this is my favorite page in my journal!

Oh, "Inside Liv" is my daughter's page. She is journaling with me, and while she doesn't always sit down to do it, we are having fun sharing the time in the evenings when we do get to sit and fill in our trackers and dailies together. I encourage you to share this with your kids!

Those are a couple of my major spreads helping with my day to day mental health. Remember, this kind of thing is no substitute for seeing a professional, it is simply a tool I am using to help manage my day to day with my depression, anxiety, and OCD. I hope that some of this helps you with finding ways to help yourself in your own bullet journal. And check out Pinterest for ideas on other mental health related spreads and blogs. Research before you jump into something like using a bullet journal to help manage problems, because sometimes what works for someone else could really be a bad idea for you!

I wish you the best of luck with your spreads and journal. I would love to see what you have in your own journal! Feel free to share in the comments or find me on Instagram or Tumblr (I am trying to increase my presence on there, so be patient) to share with me! Have a beautiful February!

Something I have written in one of the blank spaces on my dailies, right next to my goals. This spot is used for doodles, stickers, quotes, or even just left blank. My mother shared these words with me and it touched my soul.

I Will See You Tomorrow. World Suicide Prevention Day

Yesterday was World Suicide Prevention Day, and it was the best one I have had yet.

I don't do anything too big for the day. Because of schedules, the kids, no driver's license, I can't go to any events or even get to hang out with the people that helped me through my toughest struggles. But over the past few years I have used social media to try and connect where I can. For the duration of National Suicide Prevention Week, I take the theme and update my status or add a photo that coincides with it, reasons I am going to keep fighting, things that make me strong. This year was no different, and I still have three days of reasons on why I will be here tomorrow to post. Yet yesterday was a great day for me.

See, I don't have thoughts of suicide, not any more, not really since having my son, because that uber rational part of my mind tells me I just couldn't leave him alone. I am lucky to have that part of myself even though it tends to drive my husband crazy. I don't do self-harm any more either, thanks to two kids and two dogs and living in the country, I tend to get hurt enough on a day to day basis that it hits my limit in a day and my thoughts have wondered to the activity only a handful of times over the past eight years. It's not completely gone, but again, I am lucky. My biggest fights are anxiety and depression. And yesterday was a good day; not perfect, but really good.

For me, a tough day is any day that I can't get the energy to move.As the stay-at-home parent it is my job to get Jareth up for school in the morning and make his lunch, and lately I have taken to sitting with him on the porch until the bus comes. I would really love to curl up in bed with my husband and daughter and go back to sleep, but I know I won't get up when she does, the bed is too comfortable, I am too sleepy, my husband is there recovering from the night shift and he always makes everything better. But I get up. And lately I have stayed up. Yesterday was a good day. 

After my only cup of coffee, thank you addictive personality that takes away all the good stuff I am too scared to enjoy much of, I actually got to moving around and working! I cleaned the kids' room, cleaned my room, did dishes, did some laundry along the way. Sure I sat down for a little here and there because I am reading a good fanfiction and my feet love a break now and then, but I got stuff done! I fried up some eggs to go on burgers for dinner even though the hot grease kinda makes me freak every single time. I even got some stuff done after dinner when I usually am just done with the day! It was a good day!

Sure, I had one moment where I apparently snappishly told my husband to leave my stuff alone (I thought I said it nicely, was perfectly reasonable in tone of voice, but then we always think that, don't we?). But it was quick, we were quiet for a moment, and I apologized and explained. Of course he understands why I did it. I left the kitchen grinning like a fool because we handled it! No big fight, no screaming, I won't be on edge for days any time someone even looks at my things. Yay! I remained calm(ish).

Then to make a good day even better! I went to bed at 10:30! With insomnia it doesn't matter what I do all day to wear myself out, at the end of the day I am just not tired. I stay up until 2 or 3 reading, rewatching M*A*S*H, writing a little if I am lucky, thinking if I'm not. I have laid down in bed with my eyes sore from keeping them open and still tossed and turned for an hour unable to shut of my mind. On a really bad night there is also a lot of waking in middle of the night. Last night was a good night! Sure I kinda opened my eyes when Tillie (our blue healer) came to bed, and it was kinda a shock when Brewster (our pit/lab) joined since he has taken to sleeping on the couch, but neither time was enough to keep my awake. Of course I slept through Livia ninja-ing her way between Gary and I, that only wakes me on a really bad night. And I only woke up once before my alarm in a mild panic over missing it and making my son late, it was only 6, everything was fine. I slept well!!

But the best parts of yesterday weren't the ones I lay thinking about right before dozing off and realizing that it had been a good day for me and my issues. The best parts were the ones I got so giddy about that I got to enjoy in the moment.

This is the third year I have actively taken part in the campaign, and each year I try to make sure that Jareth knows why it is the day is special. After all, he has had to watch first hand what these issues do to people; I am far from the only one suffering in my circle of friends. This year we decided to give him his own "Love" tattoo to match mine. If you don't know, mine says "One Love" in religious (and one gender equality) symbols, a testament to my greatest struggle and core beliefs. The kids love to ask what means what and to find the same symbols in everyday life. So Jareth decided to go with symbols that stood for his personality too. Video games and Superheros. Of course Liv had to have one too!

I love opening the door for talking about issues with the kids. Before he went to school we had a very brief talk about the subject, mainly so that he could explain it to his teacher if she asked why he had a drawing on his arm. It wasn't much, he is only 8 after all, but it is more than last year, and that's what counts.

They did this. They cuddled with me on the porch waiting for the bus. He stayed home after school so that we could put up his laundry together. He couldn't stop saying "wow, mom." over his room when he saw how clean it was. They joined me on the couch to watch Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian (only teared up near the end for Robin, an improvement for me. I miss him.) for some family time during and after dinner. There were plenty of goodnight hugs and kisses. There was surprisingly little fight over actually going to sleep and by 10:30 I was tired and done with the day with no reason to stay up. 

Eight years, nine months, and nine days ago I restarted a New Year with a little boy. It didn't hit me like lightening as I held him for the first time that I would never consider suicide again. The drugs were good, but not that good. It was gradual. It was moments like yesterday when Jareth lay on my bed while I folded sheets laughing as I told him all the bad bits of his birth and why he so owes me a hug and kiss when I want one. It was moments like 6 AM when Liv grabbed up my arm and snuggled it, because like me she needs contact to sleep, and nine times out of ten I am better than a Merida baby doll.

I am so incredibly lucky. Yesterday was a great day. And I will see you tomorrow.

Thank You

Yesterday was Thursday. To most it is just another day of the week, for me it is something important. Every Thursday my family gets together with some friends for dinner, rotating between houses so that everyone gets to come up with what to cook while the others chip in on things like dessert and drinks. Occasionally my family has to miss out because we try to get together with our extended family on that same night of the week once a month, but that is the only excuse allowed.
For most people it's still not a big deal. Who would want to find excuses to not see friends, let the kids play mostly unfettered, get tipsy while talking or playing card games? MOST people would love the chance to get to talk about the show their friends also obsess over or play a game of pool no one has to pay for. MOST people would gladly circle every Thursday on the calendar for the foreseeable future without hesitation and grin wickedly remembering the week one friend got so excited about burning a 3 yr old's taste buds, because that kid will eat anything spicy and hell yeah it is an accomplishment to get her to back off the adult wings. MOST people are not me.

If you knew me, you would know that consistently meeting with people every week is kind of a big deal. If you knew me, you would know that taking away my excuses to interact in public could be a really bad thing. If you knew me, you would know that there is a strong chance at some point this will all be too much. And if you knew me, you would probably never know why.

But somehow this whole "Dinner With Friends" thing works for me. Sure I don't really love going out for other things on other days of the week unless well within my other comfort zones. And yeah Wednesdays are a strictly family day with everyone staying at home and spending time together that really kinda annoys the hubby and oldest son. And maybe having people so willing and ready to talk about Supernatural with can be a dangerous thing. But I am enjoying it all.

For something like 7 months we have been doing this! That's a big deal in case you didn't know. For seven months I have been made to interact with people on a weekly basis! For seven months I have been getting to know people and have allowed them to get to know me. For seven months I have given up a bit of control on things like what we are eating that night, where we will be hanging out, what drinks I will have access too, what the kids are playing, what the adults are playing. Things normally I would try hard to micromanage because I can do it all, host it all, better. But giving it up, I am learning to really trust these people.

This was pointed out to me just last night. A metaphorical flashlight shining on the point throughout the night.  Let me walk you through my night of "Wow, I think I have grown!"

- It had been a long week up to this point, one that had me spending most of Wednesday in bed and thinking it would be nice to repeat the very lazy lounging on Thursday as well. I felt weary throughout most of the day, wanting nothing more than sleep really. But we had plans, standing plans, that I was not about to be let out of.
- The husband picked what we were going to bring. Drinks and honey glazed carrots. He makes really good honey glazed carrots. Only problem, we didn't have the stuff for the dish so we would have to stop and get the things and cook it at our friend's house. I hate cooking in other places, out of my element so to speak were I know where everything is and all that jazz. But there was no other option.
- I was going to have to cook!!! I enjoy cooking, don't get me wrong. I am using my family and friends as guinea pigs until I perfect my own unique lasagna recipe. BUT the husband makes the good honey carrots. Everyone loves his honey carrots. He knows how to make them. I would be making them for the first time for our friends. Oh yeah no pressure. Why?
- Because the husband and kids would be going next door to swim while I cooked. Along with our friends. Leaving me alone in a strange kitchen, by myself, to make something I haven't made before. And with instructions like "lot of butter." "Then add a ton of the cinnamon" "And when they are ready pour on the honey." What? No recipe? Left alone? Normally I would be panicking. Instead, I don't know, I rolled with it. I turned on Pandora on a phone to fill the silence, and began chopping carrots. Damn near relaxed!!
- When the last of our friends arrived I directed them to the pool without a thought. Told them to go have fun. One of them went about putting the drinks they had brought in the fridge, reaching around me to put one on the counter. "Brought you Smirnoff." He grinned. Thankfully I didn't cry right there. They went out of their way to bring drinks I liked even though both of them would drink whatever was available. I am the picky drinker and they thought about that as they made their purchases. Then he made sure I had one before leaving the house. It's a big thing for me to have people spoil me. A really big thing.
- His girlfriend asked where my swimsuit was. Uh oh. Oh no. I would not be swimming. Why? Well because . . . I don't know. It's been a long week, I've been stressed. Sometimes I just can't do water. I spent the next twenty minutes explaining to her one of my justified oddities in comparison to this thing I have with water that has no reasoning, it just is. She laughed. "You are so weird." She laughed again. "Ok, Whatever." She shrugged. Like it's no big deal that a grown ass woman has some seriously odd issues with water for no apparent reason. (Yeah because the no artificial orange thing is so normal, too.) She called me weird, we BOTH laughed about it. When she left I was still smiling, because she hadn't meant that in a mean, teasing way. She had made an observation: I was weird, and was perfectly ok with it! That doesn't happen for me.
- When the carrots were done, I covered them, grabbed my drink, and went to sit next to the pool while the others swam. I made one guy get off the cooler because that was the close, dry seat, he could get in the pool so I could sit. I took beers and moved them out of the way of the splashes, handed over new ones, joked with a guy I had never met before, dug through a bin for goggles that didn't exist. I acted like a normal adult instead of my quiet, shy, withdrawn self. Of course no one there realized a difference, because with them I am always talkative, I always tease others, I always fit in. None of them know that I really never do. Well maybe except the one guy who knew me in High school and knows I have issues with making friends. But not the others.
- When we sat down to eat I warned them all: "If the carrots suck blame him, he left me to cook them." Everyone agreed they tasted great. "That was my way of fishing for complements while using him as a scapegoat just in case." I told them honestly. After all, I need reassurance and confirmation. They laughed and said again that the carrots tasted good. No judging the fact that I needed the words to be said, just doing it and moving on.

It was on the drive home that I came to the very tipsy realization that I am entirely too blessed for my own good. I have spent the past couple of years coming to terms with all my issues, spending a lot of time taking a closer look at myself than I have wanted to. I am flawed. It's something that I am learning to just deal with, but fully come to terms with it. I am flawed and that is ok. It helps that I have this awesome husband that knows about my flaws, either seeing them for himself or listening as I fill him in on what is going on inside my head. My three closest friends have anxiety issues, I think two of them are on meds and the third is seriously considering doing the same, so when I need someone to understand from my perspective I have people to talk to. But they live in three different states from me and aren't exactly available for coffee at my house, and sometimes no one is able to talk me down from an attack (although they have on numerous occasions thus far). I had been back in Texas for nearly five years before I was able to find other friends that I felt comfortable enough to be around, to talk to, to be myself with. But now I have that. Because I am so very lucky.

So I told my husband on the drive home about these little revelations about the people we hand out with, and how I felt I needed to thank them. He told me I really should. So:

Thank you! Thank you Erin, Nicole, and Abby for knowing what it's like and being there through thick and thin for more years than we should be comfortable admitting to with our age. Thank you Blair for taking a chance and continuing to push until I was able to be a friend back, and making me keep in touch when I wanted to hide away. Thank you Renn for knowing back before I was ok with myself enough to be ok with others and not judging me by what you know. Thank you Joseph for putting up with my quiet self long enough to get to know me. Thank you Jenn for just being you, because you are so awesome words can't cover it all and I really needed a friend like you. Thank you Ju for being patient enough to try to understand when our differences make it really hard to get. Thank you Brooke and Derek for seeing me as more and trying to be friends, because y'all and the kids mean so much to me. Thank you guys, all of you, for letting me be flawed and not making me think it is my fault or that I am broken. I've been trying to figure myself out and heal what I can by myself, but you all make it so much easier. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Thank you.

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I would like to extend a hand to anyone that needs friends like mine. I may not be them, but I like to thank I am a good friend in my own right. So if you need someone to talk to, someone that gets you or is willing to listen enough to work on getting you, please feel free to get a hold of me. Just because I am figuring my own things out doesn't mean I am not willing to help you with yours, too. Who knows, the next time I say thank you, you may be the one I am saying it to.