While I was silent

On Friday, April 17th, I participated in the Day of Silence. It is a youth movement meant to draw attention to those that feel they must remain silent about their sexuality, as well as their allies. I'm not considered "youth" any more but I thought I would partake in the day since I was unable to when I was in fact in high school. I was surprised to find that a number of things came to light for me.

1. The first thing I had to do was explain to my kids what I was doing and why, the night before. My 3 yr old had no clue what was going on, not fully, but she still told me she would help me be quiet (which has now been added to one of the cutest phrases I have heard from her lips). My 8 yr old was excited by the thought behind the day. Suddenly he wanted to participate because he felt that the way his classmates pick on him is bullying and feels the need to draw their attention to it. I talked him down, but on Monday we will be asking his teacher if she will be willing to allow him to have a DoS on Friday. We are asking because he is young, it will be difficult, we don't want to disrupt the class, and well, we want to give her a heads up. Of course if he does this it will be for bullying and harrassment in general, not simply the LGBTQA+ cause, although that is what caught his attention.

2. It's easy to ignore most people, to not respond, to get them to understand things with hand gestures and simply pointing. Not a 3 yr old, who surprisingly remembered what was going on and was soon ok with me not talking. But this meant me having to do a lot more for her since I couldn't simply tell her to do it herself or go get Daddy. I must also say, it was one day when I was extremely glad I took the time to teach my kids some sign language when they were little.
Anyway, it was very hard not to randomly blurt out how cute she was, how silly she was acting, how much I love her. While today was about bullying, I couldn't help but think about the number of voices permanently silenced due to suicide. How many mothers out there don't get to say these same things to their own children because they were taken from them when they could no longer bare the harrassment? I nearly cried a few times just staring at my daughter. I'm sure it is something that will stick with me for a while.

3. Which leads me to my own mother. Nearly every morning she sends me a sweet little text sayign "Good morning. How are you doing?" It is a bright spot in my day. Today the text read "I know you can't speak, but I wanted to say hi." It put a huge smile on my face. My mother is a Christian, a very sweet, loving, Christ-like Christian. Something I have found is rare. She has one daughter that is openly pagan and another that is openly gay. And she texts them every morning asking how they are, sending a little support my way when I choose to back a cause she may not feel fully comfortable with. Because she is amazing. I have found a small group of people who are the same and I have pulled them in close over the years, so happy to have found them after too many years of being tormented for my beliefs. Today reminded me that there are those out there willing to overlook the differences and offer kindness.

4. And thus that last little hit home for me. I was bullied for much of my life. Even back when I still practiced Christianity, I was in a bigger school system where I was in fact in the minority for my beliefs. I was looked down on and laughed at. When I found my way to Paganism we were in the process of moving to a small town that currently has 6 churches for the small population to choose from. Once more I was the minority, the outcast, the one on the recieving end of the notion that we should "just string 'em up and let them burn." I hate to admit but while dealing with the slurs and comments I didn't pay any attention as my sister came out gay. I can only hope her popularity saved her from the worst of it.
When Facebook first started, back when you actually needed and .edu email to log in, I was still trying to get to know my new college acquantances. I told my roommate I was pagan before moving day so she could leave if she wanted, she asked that I hide my books until after her parents left. I did. I told my Welcome group that it meant I was polythiestic and got all kinds of excited at the World Cultures reading list for it's diversity, but I rarely talked to all but one of the other members as soon as it stopped being mandatory. After a heated debate the second semester about boundries involved in religion, conversion, caring for others souls, some stopped talking to me completely. So I always watched my posts on FB. Years later I found that I hesitated before every repost, wondering if someone would be offended o disgusted. I reread every update for any signs of my beliefs, knowing I had friends and family that disagreed or even worse, didn't know. It wasn't until my stepmom informed me that her father, the preacher, already knew about my religion, after we had gotten back from staying with him on vacation where he never said a word and was so sweet to me. Holy crap, I could say what I wanted because those that mattered no longer cared!
I was silent for too many years, unable to voice my real opinions and beliefs! Suddenly I could say what I wanted. So I started doing that. I repost little link about Pagan Pride Day. I "like" that article about dealing with depression and mental health. I shared that video about the couples behind an X-Ray kissing. I am not in your face pagan and I don't have only gay friends. But I am me and I no longer hide that.
So today when I couldn't get on Facebook and point out how I am reminded of why I worship the Sun when I am lucky enough to catch a sunrise like this morning, I was very caught off gaurd and a little anxious. I simply couldn't imagine having to go back to being silent about who I am. So why must our youth feel they have to be silent?

Think about all the voices you don't hear.

Thank you to everyone that respected my decision to partake in this event. Thank you to everyone who has made sure that I do not have to be silent the other 364 days of the year. Thank you to everyone who has spoken out about bullying and harrassment for whatever cause. 

I hope you feel you can speak up. Remember, you can always talk to me.

April 17th - A Day of Silence

So back in 2003 I heard about the Day of Silence. A Friday in April when students across the country remained silent to show their support for other students that had to keep quiet about their sexual orientation. A way to speak out against bullying without saying a word. I tried to join it, but being from such a small community that didn't understand it didn't turn out so well.

I decided this year to partake again.

Traditionally it is a thing only done by students, but I don't see why that has to be. There are plenty of adults out there that feel that they can't be who they want to be for fear of hatred. It is also a campaign for the LGBTQA+, but they are not the only ones bullied for who they are. People can be terribly unaccepting when they want to be.

So tomorrow I am going to take a vow of silence. That means complete silence. No talking with friends, family (yeah, even the kids), and not online. I have almost always felt safe in expressing my beliefs and preferences, but there are so many others that can't. Even if you are just a plain jane and have nothing to be silent about, maybe you should consider being silent for the day, it may give you a look into how others feel when they are unable to express themselves.

I am hoping that by doing this I can show my kids (mainly Jareth since he is older) how devastating bullying can be. I may fail, I may end up breaking down and talking with the kids, and I may give in to check a notice on Twitter. Or I may make it through the day, having to be quiet about my opinions and thoughts for the first time in my life, or since I came out of the broom closet back in 2001. Either way, I hope to raise some awareness for those out there that even as adults they don't feel free to be themselves. That alone could inspire something big.

For those that don't feel they have anybody to talk to, please feel free to message me. Reach out because I am here to listen to whatever you have to say about whatever subject. You don't have to be quiet!

My Daughter Turned Me Into A Girl

I am the oldest of 3 girls. While my mother had a full time job and was involved in church activities a lot of the time, she was still there to talk to me about what being a girl meant, all the fun little details we dread. But as things turned out I spent a lot more time with my father and his car club, which I believe influenced me to be more of a tomboy. I wore a lot of baggy clothes because I wasn't happy with my body type, I found male super heroes to have more interesting stories, and the only women that I really liked wore trying to fit into a man's world i.e. Xena, Dana Scully, Captain Janeway, and Captian Samantha Carter (don't get me wrong, I also saw them as strong women just making it in general, but the pant suites didn't help). I always got along a lot better with the boys in the neighborhood, never having more than two female friends at a time until High School. It wasn't until I began dating the man that would be my husband that I even began to start thinking of myself as a real girl. Suddenly someone was interested in my looks! My dad was shocked at the tight jeans hidden under the hockey jersey. Makeup didn't come into play but once every three years for very special occasions; Senior Prom, the night he proposed, my wedding!

So when I found out that we were going to have a little girl the second time around, I cried. Sure I can pass it off as I was just happy to know what gender this little creature we had waited so long for was. But the truth is, I was terrified! What if she liked dresses? Better call up my friends for makeup advice! Worse: What if her dream is to be a ballerina or cheerleader!? I had no idea what I was doing! The most I did for date night was paint my nails, throw on a skirt that I felt nearly naked in, and put on a little eye makeup. I do feel at home in heals, but that has always been more for showing off and hiding my height issues.

I remember barely being pregnant and going into Toys'R'Us for a gift for a friend's daughter. My husband left me to look at another Nerf gun for my son, an aisle I feel totally at home in. But I had to find a gift! So I stood in the little girl's aisle, looking at all this pink! I literally began to have a panic attack. My husband came back to find me sitting on the floor, staring at five different stuffed dolls wide eyed and non-responsive. I admit, I over reacted, but I couldn't help it, girls terrify me!

How does someone like me make it through being a mom to a little girl? I had the right little girl! My daughter loves to tackle her brother, and I am not talking about just running at him, she actually looks like a little football player charging a guy! She runs down the toy aisle at a store and her eye is first caught by the fighter planes painted camo meant to attract boys! Her favorite thing to do to me is to run up and burp in my face or fart on my lap while we snuggle! She is the product of a house that is used to being centered around a boy. But you know what she wanted for her second birthday? Little Mermaid. Nothing else would do! While she is running around the house in her big brother's baggy athletic shorts, she has on her little princess dress heals. Every night after a bath to get all the mud off, she selects a new pair of earrings to wear the next day. My daughter is a perfect mix of attitudes that catches me off guard, makes me laugh, and comforts me.

Every Saturday we sit down and paint our nails because she just loves switching colors. I am slowly learning new ways to do my long hair so that when she gets older I will know it all. I pick out cute outfits for her every day and it has rubbed off onto me picking out stylish clothes for myself, when I can afford it.

But she hasn't just made it so that I embrace the little girly things I shunned when I was younger. She has made me comfortable in my own skin. I am working on getting fit, not so that she can see me skinny, but so that she can see me happy. I don't want a six pack of abs, I just want to smile when I have to put on a bathing suite. Her fascination at "that time of the month" makes me realize it is something that is perfectly common and sets me out as a healthy woman in my prime. The way she watches me with her brother and the other kids I watch fascinates me as she passes it onto her babies and makes me proud of my job, something others seem to take for granted. And the way she is delighted in the bits of my religion she sees renews my own delight in worshiping a female figure.

No longer am I terrified of her getting older and girlier. Instead I am eager to show her what all I know and have learned over the years. A whole world of wonder awaits a young girl, and I get the pleasure of introducing my daughter to it with pleasure! Yeah, society has made it difficult on being a woman in today's world, but if mother's can stop listening to what society thinks a woman she be and just lived how they were happy, girls would be in much better places as they grew up, just my humble opinion.

So I look forward to the challenge of raising a little girl. I hope other mothers are just as excited! Has having a girl made you different? I want to know! Or have you always been into the girl scene and have had a boy? I bet it is just as challenging for you. Let me know!

My Son

I would like you to know a little about each of my kids. Naturally I will start with my son.

Jareth was a complete surprise to us. I had just turned 19 when I discovered I was 9 weeks pregnant. My boyfriend (now husband) could not have been more excited, but I will admit that I was less than pleased. When I first found out that I was in fact pregnant I slumped into one of my regular depressions. Laying in bed, not eating, nearly comatose, except for having to go to work every day which I could not back out of. I lost 15 pounds in that first week.

Then I went in to find out how far along I was and figure out doctor's visits and health care. I got to see my little "bean" on the screen above me and suddenly I was in love. The mother part of me, the one that had been there all along just waiting for an excuse to really shine, came out full force. I got excited!

On December 20th I hastily wrote out essays for final exams, laid down in the back seat of my mother's car, and headed home from Indiana, back to Texas to have the baby with family and friends. The plan was always to get through a semester with help and then go back to school in IN where my friends were all eagerly awaiting to help with the little person they watched grow on the sono pictures. That never happened, but I have remained friends with a lot of them and they have followed Jareth's life on Facebook as if they were a part of it.

On January 1st I woke up at 3 AM from Braxston-Hicks contractions, and being a first-time, young mother I woke my boyfriend and stepmother with the belief that it was time. After we walked the hospital three times and they realized I was just dehydrated, they sent us home. I was woken up from a nap with severe back pain that I tried to ignore. "G, either this is it or something is wrong." I told him and my father rushed us to the hospital to meet up with my stepmother who had just got off work.

Finally! At 11:30 that night, with a room full of people waiting for him, Jareth decided to go ahead and make an appearance. He had the cord wrapped around his neck, however, and was not breathing. G and I locked eyes and waited to hear something from the group of nurses huddled around our little boy. Finally, a little whimper made its way to our ears.
I will never forget the extreme feeling of calm that I felt as I waited for that sound. Blame it on the drugs if you want, but I felt my god and goddess there by my side, reassuring me that everything was going to be fine. And it was.

We got to hold him for all of two minutes before they took him to the NICU for the night. Where he defied every nurse by rolling onto his stomach in a stubborn insistence to sleep face down. They even brought G in to see it while I slept, showing him how special his son already was.

Well, Jareth never slept on his back, no matter how many times we turned him over. He was always very quiet, often playing in his crib for lengths of time until someone went to see if he was awake yet. He takes his time in figuring things out. He has always listened, picking up words and meaning long before most people think he should. I sometimes believe he has better grammar than most adults I know. We have always treated him like an adult, never lying to him when he asks a question.

Jareth is an old soul, I saw it the moment I held him in my arms and looked into those beautiful blue eyes. Eyes that now range from blue with flecks of brown to green depending on his mood. And he continues to amaze me and make my heart smile.

I always say that Jareth was never a mistake. He was a choice, we choose to keep him. It took us 3 years to get pregnant with our next one once we finally decided to try to have another baby. And I did the math, G and I were together for 3 years when we got pregnant with Jareth. So it was the same amount of time, we just didn't know we were trying yet. But the gods did. And I thank them everyday for that.

The Beginning

A Little About Me

My name is Christine. What do I say? My husband and I began dating when I was 16. We went to school together in a very small town in Texas. I stuck out like a sore thumb because I was the only pagan in town with the only lesbian as a sister. When we graduated, my boyfriend and I moved to Indiana so I could attend college. The summer after my freshman year I discovered I was pregnant. We came home to be with our families and to welcome Jareth into our lives on New Year's Day 2007. I tried attending more college but could never get back into the groove I had once had. So I gave it up to be a stay at home mom. I was given the chance to begin babysitting for others out of my home. I finally got married in 2009 to the incredible man I was, and had been, in love with. We have now been a couple for 10+ years! In 2011 we moved to a small apartment where I took on more kids, he got fulltime at his job, and we were finally able to have another child! We welcomed Livia to the family in April of 2012, after 3 years of trying for her. Add a dog in the mix, Brewster, our pitbull/lab mix, and we are one happy family.

But I am not your typical parent. I still practice polytheism while I take my son to church every Sunday. I never tell him lies, trying to be as honest about the world as I can. My husband and I do use spanking as a disciplinary tool, although not very often. We come from families with an extremely random mix of people. And most of what I believe, teach my kids, and support would get me more than a few frowns from others. But I think most of that is ok, because I love my children more than anything, I am trying very hard to raise them to be good members of society, and I try to make the world a happy place. 

So if you are looking for someone just as unique and special as you, or are just trying to what different parents are like and are willing to open your mind. Welcome! This is going to be a wild journey as I try to make life amazing for my children and try to make it a little better for those around me. I hope you have as much fun as I plan to!